I have a question for all those COVID-19 deniers. The ones who protested in Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky, Virginia and everywhere else who feel that their rights and liberty are being infringed upon just because the governors in those states had the gall to issue stay at home orders in an attempt to try to save their miserable hides. Why are you still wearing your masks? Why are you still wearing your gloves, for that matter?
Seriously, what are you so afraid of? Didn't your fearless leader - Captain Bligh - just "liberate" you? Embrace your freedom, throw off your shackles, breath in the fresh air of Coronavirus and rejoice in your defiance. Do not concern yourselves with the minutiae of the so-called "experts" who are only trying to deprive you of your constitutional rights. Like Willy, free yourselves from the bondage of the deep state. Take one for the team.
When your governor opens up your state, go out and give your fellow "citizens" a great big hug WITHOUT masks; shake their hands firmly WITHOUT gloves. Remember, it's ok to do that now; you've been unshackled. By all means, go to the beach, the park, the beauty parlor, the barber shop, the bowling alley, the gym, your favorite restaurant, that local watering hole where your bartender is anxiously waiting to serve you again. Hey, have one or two for me! Hang out in groups of three or more. Screw social distancing; that's for pussies anyway. And you're no pussy; you live in Merica: land of the free and home of the dimwitted.
Pay no attention to that fever you might be getting. After all, Ralph Kramdem once had a temperature of 111 and he survived. It's just a defective thermometer anyway, right? Probably manufactured in that same Chinese lab that concocted this virus/weapon/hoax. It'll pass. That friend you came into close contact with who ends up dying, well he was just on his last legs. He would've eventually croaked anyway. If anything, you probably did him a favor. I mean, who wants to live that long under this kind of tyranny? To paraphrase Ebenezer Scrooge: "Are there no morgues?"
You don't need no stinking tests. You're patriots, own it! Remember those who shed their blood so that you could behave like little spoiled brats in a time out. When you start dropping like flies, Bill O'Reilly will deliver the eulogy at your wake. We would've asked Alex Jones to do it, but frankly he's been shaking so many of your hands lately we're not sure exactly how much longer he's going to be "available," if you know what I mean. Besides, you're really not killing one another; you're simply building up a herd immunity.
And don't worry none about your families. Donald Trump will take care of them. If there's one thing we know about the Donald, he always keeps his word. You can take that to the bank. Well, not so much the bank. Turns out they want nothing to do with him. I meant to say the Russian oligarchs who've been financing him for decades. I hear the exchange rate on the rubble is quite good. Steve Mnuchin will handle the paper work. What could possibly go wrong?
As your numbers begin to dwindle, please know that your sacrifice will not be in vain. After this pandemic (I mean, hoax) is over, those of us libtards who mocked you from the safety of our homes will honor your memory by turning your red states blue, and reforming the healthcare system of this country so that we don't have no more of these "China viruses" threatening our liberty and our precious bodily fluids.
So, to sum up: Stand your ground, embrace your freedom, congregate in large groups of like-minded patriots, ignore the fake symptoms when they surface, and be comforted as you lie on your deathbeds.
We'll be sure to send flowers to the funeral homes. Those that are open, that is.
P.S., Joe Biden sends his love.
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