Monday, May 30, 2016

Dear Bernie Supporters, Sorry for Hurting Your Feelings

It's clear that I have somehow stepped over a line.  My last few pieces have struck a nerve with you. It seems pointing out that Hillary has 3 million more votes and almost 300 more pledged delegates than Bernie, or that he should drop out and get behind Hillary the way she did in '08 for Obama, or that making demands of the DNC to secure his support is tantamount to extortion, has rubbed you the wrong way.

So, on behalf of myself and the 60 percent of all registered Democrats who cast their votes for Hillary, I wish to humbly apologize for hurting your feelings. I can't imagine what we were thinking. Who the hell do we think we are anyway? Well, we're a diverse group of people, consisting of men, woman, whites, blacks, Hispanics, Asians, straights, gays, Christians, Jews, Muslims, atheists - you know, the Democratic base - so I can imagine how that might not sit well with you, especially in that sea of white you refer to as a rally. Hey, I think I actually saw a black person at your last one, and no it wasn't Cornel West. I hear he doesn't do rallies; just college campuses and cable talk shows. It still befuddles me how Bernie only gets 20 percent of the African American vote. Obviously they just don't understand what he's trying to do for them. If only they would come to their senses like all of you have. Yeah, that's it.

And I'm also terribly sorry for criticizing Bernie's plan for America, or for having the temerity to point out that virtually all of it will never see the light of day, even with overwhelming Democratic majorities in both houses of Congress, which I might add will also never see the light of day, at least not for the foreseeable future. And speaking of Congress, it was quite rude of me to suggest that his failure to raise money for down-ticket candidates would be a good way to ensure that the Senate remains in Republican hands in 2017. But I guess that's my practical, jaded side coming out. Sorry to have shitted all over your revolution. Maybe if we all stand outside Mitch McConnell's office and scream loud enough, he'll change his mind.

And I'm really sorry I wasn't a better sport when I saw all those posts on Facebook about how Hillary and Trump were ostensibly the same and that writing Bernie's name in on the ballot was your way of making a statement. And obviously Susan Sarandon was just waxing poetically when she said that a Trump win in November could "bring the revolution immediately." Pointing out how that kind of thinking would be catastrophic for the country was SO insensitive of me. Again, I apologize.

And as for Robert Reich, George Takei and all the other Bernie supporters who have come out and had the nerve to say that if Bernie doesn't win the nomination, you should vote for Hillary, well, I'll apologize for them, as well. Clearly they are traitorous leeches who have gone over to the dark side. Maybe I'll ask my Bible study class to pray for them. And speaking of traitors, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Elizabeth Warren, that shrew. If only she had come out and endorsed Bernie early on - and fractured the Democratic Party in the process - he'd be ahead by now and on his way to wrapping up the nomination. May she rot in hell like all the other crony capitalists.

So, again, let me sum up by quoting a line from a president you all know and despise: Bill Clinton. I feel your pain. Nobody gets you; everyone is picking on you; and everybody hates Bernie. They don't understand what you and he are fighting for. All they keep doing is throwing a lot of math and common sense your way and it's pissing the hell out of you. I'm sorry for that, too. Reality can be a tough pill to swallow.

It's okay, Bernie supporters, fate is on your side, even if the outcome isn't.

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