My Fellow Progressives,
I wish to sincerely apologize for a few of my most recent pieces. It seems I may have been a bit hard on Barack Obama and I know how upset that makes some of you. Reading some of your comments really brought a lump to my throat. I had no idea I had hurt you that badly. Please know, that was not my intention.
If I had only known that pointing out that our fearless leader should have gotten out in front of the current controversies that have plagued his administration a bit sooner would cause you such distress, I would never have mentioned it; or that pointing out that his failure to effectively deal with them might derail his second term agenda might be viewed as an affront to your sensibilities, I would have blotted it from my obviously right-wing propagandist brain. And can you imagine how touched I was when so many of you expressed your true feelings to me over my criticism of the President when he agreed to waive the FAA requirement to furlough its workers. As our lord and savior, Bill Clinton, used to say, "I feel your pain."
So let me just say this to those of you who were insulted by my impertinence. I will never again critique Barack Obama. From here on out I will only write "positive good stuff," as one reader was so kind to point out. And right you are for bringing that to my attention, oh enlightened one.
What on Earth was I thinking ruffling so many feathers in such an unprofessional manner? I should be flogged and then apply for a job on Fox News, as one reader suggested. Or was that apply for the job, then get flogged?
Well you can bet the ranch that I have learned my lesson, my fellow comrades. Going forward, you can count on my loyalty to the President. Not only will I refrain from being critical of him, if I hear anybody else attacking him, I will do everything in my power to rip that person a new one, just as so many of you have had the courage to do with me.
After all, it's us against them and I would much rather be an us than a them.
Sincerely, your repentant servant.
P.S., when do I get my tin foil hat?