Saturday, March 16, 2013

Hoedown in Looneyville

While President Barack Obama was busy with his charm offensive trying to get Republicans to behave like adults instead of spoiled brats, conservatives were wrapping up their annual March to Madness fest, more commonly referred to as CPAC, in Maryland.

This year's theme was "America's Future: The Next Generation of Conservatives." The homage to Star Trek notwithstanding, the vast majority of the attendees more closely resembled the cast from Lost in Space.  Only months after getting their butts kicked in the fall elections, it's clear that they haven't learned a blessed thing; indeed they are doubling down on their failed agenda.

Each guest speaker delivered his or her carefully crafted message designed to appease the Kool-Aid drinking, gullible Tea Bagger audience. A list of some of the notables were:

1. Rick Perry, who finally found out what that third department was that he wanted to eliminate, then quickly forgot it when he took the stage;

2. Sarah Palin, who has a new book scheduled for release, complete with crayons and instructions for how to draw on the palm of your hand before a speech, announced she will put together an exploratory committee to consider whether she has any relevance at all left;

3. Allen West was there to remind everyone that, while he was just as black as the President, he wasn't part of the 47% that Mitt Romney was referring to;

4. Rick Santorum stopped by and went out of his way to let everyone in the room know just how snobbish and elitist every body who doesn't subscribe to his myopic, homophobic worldview is;

5. Marco Rubio came out with yet another stance on immigration, which calls for all liberal Hispanics to promise not to vote for the rest of their lives, or until they self-deport back to Mexico, while granting the remaining 100 in the country sainthood;

6. Donald Trump wanted to hear himself say "You're Fired" to an empty chair that Clint Eastwood had delivered personally;

7. Newt Gingrich needed a platform specially built just to hold his ego, then proceeded to remind everyone he had been right all along and they were completely wrong. Naturally;

8. Jeb Bush wanted to make sure that everyone in attendance knew his name wasn't George and that he's the smart one in the family;

9. Rand Paul was dropped off by a drone that was on its way to bomb Jane Fonda's house. For the record, he doesn't condone that sort of thing - riding drones, that is;

10. Mitch McConnell got a standing ovation when he promised that this time he really, really, really means it when he says Obama will not get another term in office. No takers on that Majority Leader title, though;

11. Eric Cantor had another Freudian slip when he referred to himself as Speaker instead of Leader;

12. Bobby Jindal wanted to make sure everyone knew he was still alive and well and living in Louisiana. He sends his regards;

13. Wayne LaPierre channeled his inner Charlton Heston by challenging Obama to take his gun from his cold, dead hand;

14. Paul Ryan brought autographed copies of his latest attempt at balancing another budget - the first 50 got a GOP calculator, which magically makes Ryan's math come out perfectly.  Spoiler alert, it can only subtract;

15. Mitt Romney showed up to personally apologize for being the worst excuse for a genuine human being in the history of politics; and, finally, bringing up the rear, quite literally,

16. Ann Coulter, pulled double duty both as good-will ambassador and fumigator.

Seriously, though, conspicuous by his absence from this year's CPAC was the one man who has the best chance in a general election against whomever the Democrats nominate to run in 2016.  Chris Christie may not be the most popular Republican in his Party right now, but among independents and moderates, he leads everybody else in the pack by a wide margin - no pun intended. If the GOP has any serious plans of taking a stab at the White House any time soon, they'd better bury any hatchets they have against the New Jersey governor, and do it soon.

It's their funeral, if they don't.

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