Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make. For years I have been living a lie. While publicly I had been lauding the virtues of being a progressive, privately I was anything but. I would tune into MSNBC virtually every evening and watch Rachel Maddow, Ed Schultz and, before he took off for Pluto like Captain Video, Keith Olbermann. I hung on every word they uttered like it was blood plasma.
But then a curious thing began to happen. While watching those shows, my fingers would often change the channel on the remote to Fox News. At first I recoiled at what my eyes were beholding, as if touching a hot stove. But then I began to experience a new and unique sensation. Far from being shocked at what I was watching, I found it strangely inviting. I was being drawn to it like a moth to a flame. O’Reilly, Hannity, even the dearly departed Glenn Beck (may he rest in peace wherever he is).
I had to be careful to make sure my wife didn’t see me watching such programs, so whenever she would come into the room, I would quickly change the channel. On those rare occasions when I got caught, I would pretend I had been asleep and that my fingers inadvertently pushed the wrong buttons. When in doubt blame it on fatigue. There were a couple of close calls, but I always managed to get out of Dodge.
Like a junk food junkie who had extolled the virtues of healthy cuisine, I couldn’t wait to get my fix of Devil Dogs and Yoohoo. I was hooked; I was an addict. And it wasn’t just cable TV; I couldn’t stop listening to AM radio. Every afternoon at 12, like clockwork, I would tune into Rush. On my way home from work, it was drive time with old Sean. And then there were those evenings with Mark Levin. I would lie to my wife and tell her I was going out for ice cream or Starbucks. The truth was I was sitting in my car being indoctrinated by “The Great One’s” greatness.
I was panic stricken. What would I tell the legions (okay the half dozen or so people) who read my blog daily and wait to be inspired by my dazzling wit and sarcastic zings? What would I tell my co-workers who knew I was a hopeless liberal? Hell, what would I tell my wife, who thought she was marrying her own version of Thom Hartmann?
I couldn’t disappoint them, so bravely I trudged along, suppressing my inner feelings, while outwardly putting on a good show. I rationalized that I could handle it. After all, I’m a salesman; I’m used to shoveling shit and getting people to buy it.
But inside, the war was consuming and slowly convicting me. I finally decided I couldn’t do this anymore. Like a drunk who had hit rock bottom, I came to a crossroads in my life. It was time to come out and admit publicly what I had known privately for quite some time. I can’t live this lie anymore. The war inside my soul must come to an end.
I’m a conservative! There I said it. And not just any conservative. I’m a true believer; not one of those RINOs like David Brooks or that traitor David Frum. I’m a Limbaugh ditto head, a Hannity ham, an O’Reilly patriot and a Levin loyalist.
I love Ann Coulter, S.E. Cupp, Megyn Kelly and Laura Ingraham and wish to publicly apologize for anything I may have said about them in my blog, especially you Ann. Sorry about that picture of you, too. It really wasn’t funny showing you with your mouth wired shut. I’m truly ashamed of myself. Can you ever forgive me?
I also want to take this time to formally apologize to Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Herman Cain, whom I have savaged with the most vile and wicked attacks imaginable. It’s not their fault that the media distorted their words by having the audacity of putting a mic in front of them and asking them gotcha questions like what their views are. They would’ve made great Presidents and now, thanks to selfish progressives like me, the country will be deprived of their inner brilliance.
And to all the other stalwarts of the Right, who tirelessly defend our precious freedoms, liberties and bodily fluids, I’m sincerely sorry if my words offended you. Your pain will now be mine; your righteous causes mine. My brothers and sisters, I have joined you. Pray that I will have one tenth the courage you have shown.
For the first time in years, I feel a sense of freedom. I can truly be myself now without having to hide behind a veneer of deceit and lies. While I am sorry for the huge disappointment this must bring to my friends, family and devotees, I hope all of you will understand and support me in my new-found calling.
Over the next few months I plan on exposing the manipulation of the liberal-elite media, actively participating in the conservative effort to not only repeal “Obamacare” but scale back all those needless federal regulations like the Clean Air Act and others that conclusively prove that the government has overstepped its reach. You want clean air? Buy a mask.
And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to start packing. I’m going hunting tomorrow with Dick Cheney.