Now that Rick Perry has decided to toss his cowboy hat into the ring there are eight (er, make that nine) contenders vying for the Republican nomination for President of the United States. The winner gets to play the role of Luke Skywalker and vanquish the evil Sith Lord, Barack Obama, from the Dark Star in Washington.
Right about now, I figure, would be a good time to get a closer look at each of these candidates; that is, before they start dropping like flies. I’ll do my best to keep the handicapping as objective as I can, but I won’t promise anything. I’ll start at the top and work my way down.
Rick Perry: The Johnny come lately hasn’t just stolen the spotlight, he single-handedly became the new frontrunner for the Tea Party. How conservative do you have to be to knock Michele Bachmann off her throne? Pretty damn conservative, that’s what. Unlike Bachmann, Perry actually has experience governing a state, albeit one with a government the size of a Boy Scout troupe. Also, unlike Bachmann, Perry doesn’t have that dear in the headlight, I just ran over your dog look in his eyes. The guy may be an ideologue, but he isn’t crazy. Next to Romney, Perry is the biggest threat to defeat Obama next year.
Michele Bachmann: Don’t let that stare fool you. Behind those bat-shit crazy eyes lies a woman who truly believes she is heaven sent to deliver us from whatever it is we seem to be trapped in. Believe it or not, she has had more missteps than even Sarah Palin, and yet, no matter how ridiculous she sounds or how many mistakes she makes, her star among her faithful continues to rise. In the Iowa debate she actually said that the S&P downgrade reinforced her decision not to vote for a debt-ceiling increase. If this woman ever becomes president we are all screwed.
Tim Pawlenty: Can you spell lame? I knew you could. Old TPaw, as he has decided to brand himself, is so far behind in the polls, Newt Gingrich has become his new best friend. Like Perry, he has the executive experience as well as the pedigree. Unlike Perry, he’s about as interesting as watching ice melt.
Jon Huntsman: With the exception of Romney, he’s the only candidate capable of pulling in moderate and independent voters. Unlike Romney, he’s about as popular as Jane Fonda at a veteran’s convention among conservatives. Why? Because he once had something nice to say about the President! That’s a shame, because Huntsman is also the only candidate in this lot who isn’t a phony or demigod. With all the talk about how Romney could defeat Obama, my gut tells me that if Huntsman actually did win the nod – highly unlikely – he could make things very interesting in 2012.
Herman Cain: I was wrong. America isn’t ready for a black president. Talk about dumbing it down for the minions. Pizza anyone?
Newt Gingrich: The man is a walking time bomb and the gift that keeps on giving, especially around reporters who have the temerity to trap him with gotcha questions like what his thoughts are on the Paul Ryan budget. Give him this much, he’s the only candidate who’s spoken the truth about not only that but his own party as well, though not the way he probably would’ve preferred. Do you hear that? It’s Bill Clinton chuckling again!
Ron Paul: The only Republican who has had the courage to come out and say that the military budget needs to be not just cut but slashed. For that he should get the Purple Heart. From there, it goes steadily down hill. Paul’s vision of the federal government would be a living nightmare for millions of people. It’s one thing to believe Washington is bloated; it’s quite another to believe it should disappear altogether.
Rick Santorum: This guy makes my skin crawl. I know what you’re thinking. Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich, and this is the guy who makes your skin crawl? As strange as it may seem, yes. Santorum is that guy you all knew when you were a kid. The guy who thought he knew more than everyone else, but who, in fact, was an arrogant ass pretending to be smart to mask his insecurities. The guy who sat in judgment of everybody else and who couldn’t resist making a snide comment, usually at the expense of a group that was already picked on by others. You wanted to smack the crap out of him, but you knew it wouldn’t do any good. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the runt of the GOP field.
Well, there you have it. The nine official candidates for the Republican nomination. How pitiful are they? With the exception of Perry, who wasn't at the Fox News debate in Ames, all of them swore that they would never raise taxes, even if presented with a ratio of ten to one in spending cuts to revenue. Yep, real leaders! I will go out on a limb here and predict that by late September or early October, Santorum, Gingrich and Pawlenty will drop out, Cain and Paul by December, followed by Hunstman in January. As for the half-baked Alaskan, my guess is she won’t run. It’s so much more fun watching from the sidelines anyway, right, Gov? The same for Mr. 9/11 himself, Rudy Giuliani. I guess being humiliated once was enough for his honor.
As for the surviving candidates, here are my picks. Bachmann and Perry will split the Tea Party vote, which will clear the way for the RINO to go head to head with the socialist overlord. Who will win? Can’t tell, but this much is certain: you’ll be up late election night.
Tune in next week when we answer the question of the ages: Where are all the sane conservatives?